BDSM–All the Stuff You Didn’t Know From Someone Who Does it Safely

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October 29, 2014 by adbesserer

CAUTION: Sexually explicit content.

*this interview was written before the more recent, horrifying testimony from the alleged victims of Jian Ghomeshi. What this interview is meant to establish is that rough sex play should be done safely and consensually and that anything else is assault!

When I wrote my blog entry about my experience with Mr. Fetish, the exhibitionist, I began to make a lot of assumptions about kink based on one thing this guy said to me that I haven’t shared until now: ” I get turned on making you do things you wouldn’t normally do”. It was that phrase that ended my desire to go further in to my sexual relationship with this guy.

After I made my blog post about my encounter with fetishism, I received an extremely candid message from a childhood friend who disclosed her kinky sexual preferences. I was extremely curious, and very impressed by some of the things she said.

Truthfully, I didn’t consider that being a submissive could be a source of personal empowerment. In the instances in my life when I’ve taken on that role, I would feel initially empowered, but I would eventually feel kind of shitty; there’s actually a name for that, it’s called “sub-drop”. The person I call Lady S in this interview makes a good case for how giving up control consensually can be empowering; just wait, she’s much more eloquent about it.

I feel like this issue is important to assess because of the firing of Jian Ghomeshi, one of Canada’s most beloved CBC personalities who has identified himself as someone who practices BDSM sex play “mutually” and “consensually”. That being said, it can still be easy, as LADY S admits, for things to get out of hand for people who are new or ignorant about all of the rules–research and flexible negotiations are key.

This interview has been edited for grammar only.

ME: You have some unconventional sexual preferences. Can you describe what you’re in to, and why?

LADY S: I consider myself a few things… and into a few unconventional sexual preferences. Some people call me a ‘kinkster’, to some I’m a submissive. I enjoy being able to choose to give up my control to someone else. Bondage, sensory deprivation, roleplay (kidnapping scenes, captive/captor scenes), wax play, impact type play (like nipple clamps, flogging)… normally all as the recipient

ME: How do you meet people to indulge your BDSM desires?

LADY S: I have previously met people online at alt.com, or at fetlife.com (think of facebook for kinky people). I have also been to munches… which are public meetings of like minded people, normally a coffee shop or a restaurant, where you can get to know people as people and see that there is actually a community of BDSM people. There is a lot of safety in meeting a group of like minded individuals.

ME: Do you ever wonder if what you’re in to is unhealthy?

LADY S: When I was younger and just starting to realize what kind of things I enjoyed and was fantasizing about them in my own home, I definitely thought there was something wrong with me, and that I was ‘broken’. Then I accidentally came across an episode of ‘Kink’ on HBO, and I started to look into the lifestyle of BDSM, and I realized that there was nothing unhealthy about it as long as you are safe, and consensual.

ME: Would you describe yourself as a masochist?

LADY S. : Absolutely. But this is often only used to describe me in a private setting. In my every day life I am quite happy and easy going. I don’t need to actively seek out things that will cause pain, or humiliation in my public life to remain happy.

ME: Has it ever gone too far?

LADY S.: This is a difficult question to answer, only because ‘too far’ is different for everyone. When I was new in exploring my desires of BDSM, I had the preset limit of ‘no anal sex’. I know this seems weird, but hard limits are set by different people for different reasons. It is both people’s responsibility to respect them, and to discuss changes to limits prior to engaging in BDSM activities. Endorphins were high, and the next thing you know I was climbing onto this guy to have anal sex with him. In the place I was in my life, it was too far… but I was too new to know how to make it stop. Afterwards he apologized, and we never had another encounter.

ME: Do you use a safe word? If so, what is it?

LADY S.: It’s very common in our community to use a series of safe words. Most commonly the stop light system. When asked how you are, or how something is ‘Green’ means very good, more please, no problems. ‘yellow’ means please change activities, less intensity, and if at any time, someone says ‘Red’, it means all stop! Check in with me! something is wrong.

ME: If it did go too far, would you feel comfortable reporting it to the police?

LADY S.: I would, only because things need to stay safe and consensual. I guess it matters how it went too far. If things get out of hand and I am injured badly but it was accidental, I wouldn’t say anything. If my partner is purposely attempting to injure me, or there is no consented sexual contact not agreed to before, and I said my safe word or told them to stop and they don’t then that’s rape, regardless of previous activities.

ME: This is a part of your life that you keep to yourself. Are you afraid of judgment, or do you just feel it’s no one’s business?

LADY S. : It’s more that this is a part of my life I choose to keep in a very tight circle. There is a part of me that is afraid of judgement, but there is another part of me that feels that my sexual desires behind closed doors is no one’s business. Just like your favorite condom choice is no ones business, or why you are on birth control, or why you don’t have any children yet, or your favorite brand of vibrator. There are just somethings that are private.

ME: Do your encounters with these men ever lead to anything more? Like, would you ever consider being friends with them?

LADY S.: My very best friend is also my Dom. (The name used to describe the other half of the submissive). We first met at a munch, built a friendship, and then our kink side was built after. We have been best friends for 5 years and it’s a friendship that is very multi-leveled. We have other common interests that isn’t BDSM like video games, going out for dinner, and just hanging out like friends do. We make ‘play dates’ for times we are going to take part in BDSM actvities. He knows more about me at a deeper level then anyone else does. His wife is also one of my best friends and she also is one of my Dommes. The three of us have many different relationships with each other and as a group. I was even in their wedding party. Of the hard limits of our BDSM relationship there is no sexual contact between me and any of them. I get a sexual release just with giving up MY control of a situation to someone else and participating in the activities above. Its not about sex.

ME: Do you think there are popular misconceptions about fetishism, and if so what are they?

LADY S. : That it is all about sex or that we are all broken battered people that are being abused and are brainwashed to make think it’s all ok.

ME: Do you ever worry that if your sexual preferences came out that you would lose your job?

LADY S.: Absolutely. I work in a very public health care field, there is always a fear that because of misconceptions I would be fired for something else… since you technically can’t fire someone for any sexual preferences. (GBLT, or BDSM)

ME: You once described a kind of release you get from rough sex play. Can you explain that?

LADY S.: It’s something very difficult to explain. I’m someone that is always in control, a very type A personality with many stressors in my life. There are times that it takes almost everything I have to ‘keep it all together’. There is some sort of connection between crying and healing all types of wounds. When I am being submissive I get into this headspace that is only best described as ‘sub space’. It’s the place where you let go of all of your control and hand it to someone else. It’s not an instant place to be in and takes alot of trust with another person to be there. Once you hand over all your control, and just exist, within the safety of your limits and your safe word at hand, you are able to easily let go of everything that stresses you. its like with every intense impact of a flogger or a stick, comes a release of emotion of something completely different.

I think it goes even deeper of being able to choose to give up power and control to someone, opposed of it being taken by someone who is abusive and controlling. Someone who gets off by taking someones power opposed to being handed it as a gift to take care of.

ME: That is really eloquent and thought provoking stuff. What is the difference between a random encounter as opposed to one with someone that you know?

LADY S: I think it’s more important to really get to know your partners (having done both the random, and the more regular partner). With someone regular, you can grow, explore new fetishes together, talk about them in a safe place with a safe person without the fear of judgement.

ME: Did you read 50 shades? If so, what did you think?

LADY S : I did. As an introduction to BDSM I find it interesting. Contracts, checklists, safewords, they are all important parts of our lifestyle. There is just so much more to it then just 50 shades lets on. On one hand it might start a conversation, or a internet search for someone who is a little interested, on the other side, there is just so much more safety things to take into consideration that I don’t think the average person might research, and then not be safe.

ME: Do you watch porn? If so, what are you in to?

LADY S : A little here and a little there. Overall I have a very low sex drive and watch porn for entertainment value. I read more erotica than watch videos. Master/Slave is some of the stuff like the most. Or watch intense bondage, or ‘slave training’ like the story of O, or Claiming Sleeping Beauty.

ME: Are you following the Ghomeshi thing? If so, do you have any thoughts?

LADY S: I’m following it a bit. Mostly off of facebook status or friend’s blogs 😉 Personally, I think his dismissal because of his sexual preferences is discrimination. Just like if they fired him because he is gay. I say go after you $50 million. It will be a victory for kinksters and BDSM people everywhere.

ME: Can you trace your fetish back to any particular event in your life? Some people with fetishes seem to know the origin of their preferences.

LADY S: I’m not really certain, I think it might be from wanting to get back control of myself after experiencing significant psychological and sexual abuse as a child and sexual abuse again as an adult. Again it all about choosing to give control to someone else and the power that comes with it, instead of having it ripped away and feel empty inside when an abuser takes it.

ME: I’m so sorry that happened to you. I had no idea. Can you have conventional sex, or do you need to be dominated to get off?

LADY S : Oh the ‘vanilla sex’ question! Once i started to explore kink, conventional sex is just boring! I definitely need a good hair pull or a bite to help me get off. Otherwise… i’m probably just faking it to make my partner stop because i’m so bored.

ME: Haha, I totally get that. Anything else you want to add?

LADY S: If someone is interested in exploring the BDSM lifestyle, make sure you are safe and consensual. There are checklists to share with your partner online to express your desires and have a conversation with them about safe words.

Thanks Friend. I learned a lot, and I think other people will too.

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3 thoughts on “BDSM–All the Stuff You Didn’t Know From Someone Who Does it Safely

  1. Lady S says:

    Thank your for the opportunity to share my experiences with your readers!

  2. Reblogged this on Good Black Loving and commented:
    Here you go. Cosign.

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